I want that with all my heart
by Joosie
Summary: A thing like this wouldn't just pass like waterdrops that disappears in the ocean. It would stay above everything else. Peyton's thoughts after 3x07.


Peyton POV set after the sad 3x07 ending. **Oda; you're the best. **Thinking about a sequel but I'm not quite sure yet, let me know what you think. _**Enjoy!**_

_I love you, Lucas. And I think I've since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I'm gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart._

* * *

She slammed the door shut. Not that mature and especially not that polite. All she could think of was getting as far from there as possible. Walking down the path. Lucas and Lucas' Lindsay were engaged as in getting married. With her ring. She turned left on the road, not really knowing where she was heading. Her ring. The ring that she was supposed to wear on her own finger. Not Lindsay, goddamnit! 

What was it really about her and confessions? They always went like crap but turned out happy. This was not going to be like those times. They were engaged, ring and everything. He could just not break up with her that easily. Before it had all been easier. _What hadn__'__t been? _Lots of things had been easier but she realized that with her and Lucas it had always been complicated.

Turning left again, without thinking. Her steps echoed in the almost empty street. A car passed by every now and then. The tears burned but she would not let them show yet. Lindsay's eyes had been red, crying-red. Because of happiness? Or something else? How had it happened? Had it been all rational or just something for the moment? Of course it'd been, one part of her said. The part that still hoped that he was looking for her in this very moment.

His eyes had been searching for forgiveness. Searching for some kind of hope for her understanding why he'd done it. Nuh uh. No understanding. All blank at that point. She'd kissed him and he'd kissed back. She had told him about the feelings. Still the same nervousness as the last time, the feeling in the background saying that he might freak. Last time went fairly okay and there were no reason to think that it would be any more different this time. Only because she believed, it went different. He had run away, back to her. Almost high school all over again.

She passed one block and than another. She imagined Lucas and Lindsay back at his house, their house. Were they happy? Worried about their problem, their thunder, in human shape called Peyton Sawyer? Only walking away was probably not the best thing to do but it was her style. They were engaged! The love of her life was getting married! How could he, and she, possibly expect that she would act totally cool with it? As if it was something that happened everyday. She shrugged. Not possible. They were probably happy, making out on his bed. Not a thought on their thunderstorm Peyton.

How many times does her love for him have to be tested?

A thought crossed her mind, what if it was her ring, there on Lindsay's finger? What if he had saved it all these years? She shook his head. Nuh uh. Wouldn't be like him. But what if? The idea had planted a seed in her mind and it wouldn't stop to grow. Maybe it was just an impulse, him explaining to her about Peyton and then to make Lindsay stay; he had proposed. The next morning he will probably wake up and regret it all. Oh, hell no! They're the happy author and his editor. Peyton had given Lucas inspiration when he was lost, just like he once had done for her. Lindsay had been worried because of it.

In some strange way it made Peyton slow down her pace. She was at the bridge where she and Brooke used to sit when they were younger. Climbing down at the side and then she was at their usual spot. Brooke. Brooke had told her to go for it. Brooke had never got her heart broken in the same way. Brooke was lucky. Brooke would go mad when she heard about the engagement.

Lindsay had been worried. Not that it mattered now. She was going to be Mrs. Lucas Scott. And Peyton the thunderstorm was no one. Some girl trying to matter. Here she knew the people, she had Brooke. Everything had begun look so much brighter than before. Until now. She felt the tears running down her cheeks, dripping down on her jeans.

She stared down at the black water and her own reflection stared back. The image was cracked, just like she felt. Back in LA, it had all been different. One among them all. No one that cared. Except for him. Until that day three years ago. After that no one cared again. She could easily have hidden, like they do on the movies. No work, no air, no nothing. Something had made her live above the surface. There was no need to form it into words and sentences but Peyton knew that the reason was Luke. The One and Only.

He was getting married to her and there was nothing Peyton could do about it. Be mature enough and try to repair her relationship with Lindsay. No other option. She'd been living a life without Lucas for the past three years and that was nothing she longed for again. On the other hand, would he let her in now when he knew that she felt this certain way? Nuh uh. Lindsay wouldn't let her ruin it and neither would he. He would probably never even try.

She threw a nearby rock into the water and the salty stains spread over the water surface. The drops disappeared as quickly as they had been created. A thing like this wouldn't just pass like the waterdrops, it would stay above everything else and bother her. Moving on would not be possible around Tree Hill and the surroundings that reminded her of what she'd done. What they had done. Would he ever tell Lindsay of what had happened that night that made him propose? Probably not.

They were engaged and she could only move on. Anything else would not be fair to either of them. She'd gotten her thoughts straight now. This was a serious thing, a big step. A step that Lindsay was willing to take when Peyton wasn't mature enough 36 months ago. When she had realized her mistake, it was too late to change it. She would not bother them anymore. At least she got one last kiss.

And slowly, she let go.


End file.
